I DON' T KNOW
Lately I am becoming wary of making plans. I'm not talking about stuff like maybe travelling sometime next month, or enrolling for school, or career related things. That's a stretch. My idea of plans here is what many people would deem inconsequential. You know, things like getting up tomorrow morning, or calling someone in the afternoon. Making fried rice for dinner, going to church on Sunday, folding that laundry I did a week ago, or simply just eating at some point before the day ends. I'm becoming wary of making plans because, quite frankly, I don't know.
I don't know whether my body will still have the strength it had when I said I would run some errands in town. I don't know whether my mind will decide to shut down just when I'm supposed to help a friend out with a project like I said I would. I don't know when my appetite will figure it's an excellent time to up and leave, or my tastebuds decide to tell my brain that even my favorite things to eat are all bland. I don't know when my heart will start feeling so heavy, as though ten heavy blankets have been thrown over it, or when the heaviness might lift. Basically, I have no idea how, when, or even why my system will fail me. I just know it will, because it has been doing so quite consistently lately.
You know how they say failing to plan is planning to fail? I think when you have read up on how to keep going, prayed fervently, and put together strategies to stay afloat and your system just decides, "meh", you start to wonder if there really is any point in planning. You somehow just drift into the "I don't know" zone. Recently a friend of mine kept asking if she could call me the next day, and I'd say, "I don't know. Let's see how I wake up." I wasn't too busy or anything like that. I genuinely just had no clue if I'd be able to talk. We finally spoke though, so all hope is not lost yet😊.
You may be thinking this is all just a matter of adjusting priorities and getting more committed. Learning to psyche myself up and so on. It is not. I have tried for years. Now, I'm not saying I've stopped making plans. I still tell myself I'll do this and that tomorrow. I still make commitments to show up and so on. Sometimes I get through a day seamlessly, and once in a while the miracle of a productive week visits me😄. More often than not, though, I drag myself to, and through things or I simply just lack the ability to show up. I keep planning still. I guess it's my little way of keeping hope alive.
I don't think I have some kind of inspiring ending for this entry. I just came here to say I don't know. I don't know how I'll be tomorrow, or even a few hours from now. I don't know if depression will end, or if I'll ever figure out how to thrive in spite of it. And if we're being honest, I'm quite terrified. I'm still breathing though. So we'll see, right?
But God is the strength of my heart
And my portion forever.
Psalm 73:26
Comments
Post a Comment